A little bit of Humor

 

 

A little bit of humor

 

 

 

 

You Gotta Love Purim!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a
truck and killed. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by an angel at the
entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says an angel. "Before you settle in, it seems there is
a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator

.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, an angel escorts him to
the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down.
When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a
beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with
him.

Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they
reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of
the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on wine and
caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time
dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the
senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and
waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door
reopens in Heaven where an angel is waiting for him.

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and an angel returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must
choose where you want to spend eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have
thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better
satisfied in Hell."

So the angel escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes
into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed
in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot,
hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and
there was a golf course and club, and we had wine and caviar and danced and
had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my
friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning. Today you voted for us." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A man visiting a bar each evening, would routinely throw glass cups at the bartender and at the people sitting around and drinking. Yet he always made sure to follow up his violence by pleading for forgiveness. “I suffer from uncontrollable rage and I am deeply ashamed of it; please forgive me for my embarrassing and unforgivable behavior,” he would always say.

Finally, the bartender made an ultimatum with the man. He could not come back to the bar unless he underwent therapy for a full year. The man consented. He did not show up at the bar any longer.

After the year finally passed, the man showed up at the bar one evening. Lo and behold he took a glass and threw it right at the bartender.

“What’s going on?” the bartender thundered.

“Well, as you have suggested, I went to therapy,” the man replied, “and now I am not embarrassed anymore.”

 

 

 

 

Once, on a very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He could not catch up with it.
 
A young man, a gentile, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so happy and grateful that he gave the man five dollars and put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about the tip and the blessing and decided to go to the racetrack and bet his 5 unexpected dollars.
 
After the races the young 20 year old man returns home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man, "looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of 'Top Hat' running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1 ... The longest shot in the field. Having received the rabbi's blessing and the 5 dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being "Top Hat", I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire 5 dollars on this horse.
 
An amazing thing happened, the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to even show came in first by 5 lengths." "You must have made a fortune," said the father.
 
"Yes, $500, but wait, it gets better," replied the son. "On the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of "Stetson" was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse." "What happened?" asked the excited father.
"The horse Stetson won and I collected big money." "You mean you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father. "No," said the son, "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau' so I bet all the money on it because the horse was The heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French and it all started with the rabbi's hat. But the horse broke down and came in last."
 
"Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau'. Said the father. You lost all that money because of your ignorance. Tell me who won the race anyway?"
 
"A long shot Japanese horse named 'Yamaka'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

 

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

 

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

 

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

 

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

 

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through Washington   D.C. and those crooks took $95.00 in taxes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary

Dear Bo $$

In thi $ life, we all need $ome thing mo $t de $perately.

I think you $hould be under $tanding of the need $ of u $ worker $ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company .

I am $ure you will gue $$ what I mean and re $pond $oon .

Your $ $incerely,  

Norman     

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

Dear NOrman,

I k NOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .

NO w the newspapers are saying the world`s leading eco NOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad .

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You k NOw what I mean ..

Yours truly,
David

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there...he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my God, how could you?

Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home?
Haven't I given to charity?
Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?
Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that
you would be proud of?

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat." 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A lawyer and an elderly Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Jews are really pretty dumb and that he could trick them easily.

 

So the lawyer asks if the Jew would he like to play a fun game.

 

The old Jewish man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

 

The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.

 

“I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me  one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.” he says.

 

This catches the Jew's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question. “What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?”

 

The elderly Jew doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

 

Now, it's the Jew's turn.

 

He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

 

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

 

He wakes up the Jewish man and hands him $500. The old Jew  pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

 

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

 

He wakes the elderly Jew up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

 

The Jew shrugs, reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep….

 

 

Moral: Don't mess with us Jews.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An American Jew was shopping on Piccadilly, in  London. He entered the posh gourmet food store, Fortnum & Mason.
A salesman in a morning coat - with tie and tails - approached and asked, "May I be of service to you, sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I'd like a pound of  lox."
"Sorry, sir," answered the cultured salesman, "Do you mean 'smoked salmon'?
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"I believe you mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"You are probably referring to pate."
"Okay," said the customer, "a pound of pate, and could you deliver this Saturday?"
"Sorry, sir," said the salesman, "We don't schlep chazzerai on Shabbes!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A representative aft the United Nations General Assembly from Israel began a speech recently with the following anecdote:

 

'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them. 'The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't even around back then.' The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now with that in mind I will begin my speech.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, GA., a middle-aged, well-to -do woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a yarmulka (Kippa).  She called the attendant over to complain about her seating.
 
"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. 
 
"You've sat me next to a Jew!! I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting person. Find me another seat!"
 
Please calm down Madam." the attendant replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class." The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
 
A few minutes later the attendant returned. The woman could not help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin.
 
The flight attendant then says..."Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full.  However, we do have one seat in first class."  Before the lady has a chance to respond, the attendant continues..."It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next to such a person."...
 
The flight attendant then turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat in first class ready for you...  "At this point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the plane." Shabbat shalom."
 
When the attendant tells the lady the Captain's arrangement the lady says indignantly "I think that The Captain must have made some kind of mistake."
 
To which the attendant replied, "No M'am. Captain Cohen never makes any mistakes."

 

 

 

 

A Rabbi's son had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father about

use of the family car.



His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up,

study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."



After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father about his

use of the car. The Rabbi said, "Son, I am very proud of you. You have

brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get

your hair cut."



The young man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You

know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair and if I am not mistaken even Abraham and  Noah had long hair.


The Rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could please say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

 

 

 

Benny and Sarah, who were both in their 80’s, invited their grandson Morris to dinner one evening. Morris was impressed by the way Benny preceded every request to Sarah with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Sugar Plum, etc. The couple had been married over 50 years and clearly they were still very much in love.

While Sarah was in the kitchen, Morris said to Benjamin, "Zaide, I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call grandma those loving pet names!"

Benny hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth Morrie," he said, " I forgot her name about 10 years ago..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sam goes to Shule and listens to the rabbi. After a while the rabbi asks anyone who needs a special prayer should come up to the Bima for a special blessing. Sam gets in line, and when it's his turn, the rabbi asks: "Sam, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Sam replies: "Rabbi, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The rabbi puts one finger in Sam's ear, he places the other hand on top of Sam's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the rabbi removes his hands, stands back and asks Sam:

 "Nu, Sam, how is your hearing now?"
Sam says, "I don't know, Rabbi, it's not until next Wednesday”!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KOSHER CANDY

A Jewish man was in a supermarket in Thornhill,
Ontario. He saw a black woman trying to get her young
child to put down a candy bar he had picked off the
shelf.

'Latrell, you put that down! It's not kosher!'

Intrigued, the young man decided to investigate.
'Excuse me, ma'am, are you Jewish?'

'No.'

'So why did you say that?'

'Why? I'll tell you why. 'Cuz I see all them Jewish
mothers saying that to their kids — and it works, so I
decided to try it.'

 

 

 

 

A Giants fan had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.   As he sits down, another man comes down from a seat higher up and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."

 

 

Keeping the Ten Commandments

 

 

 

 

Bernie and Betty did not come to Synagogue as much as they should have.  Once, as they were leaving the Shul, the Rabbi said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Betty here more often!"

 

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

 

"That's great," the Rabbi said.  "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

 

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Betty keeps six of them and I keep the other four."

 

 

 

 

 

Would You Ever Hear a Jewish Mother Saying Any of the Following ?!

 

"Of course it’s OK to walk to school. There are only 3 main roads to cross."

 

"Get closer to the screen. How can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

 

"If you’re good, I’ll buy you a motorbike for your birthday."

 

"There’s no need to wear a jacket tonight, it's not that cold out."

 

"Could you turn the music up a bit louder, please, so I can enjoy it too?"

 

"Run and bring me the scissors darling. And hurry up."

 

"I don't have a tissue with me. Why don’t you just use your sleeve."

 

"Well, if Sam’s mother says it's OK, then that's good enough for me."

 

"If your wife wants you to move overseas to live near her family, it's OK with me, darling."

 

"You really don't have to call me every week.  I know how busy you are."

 

"Just live with him, you don't have to marry him."

 

"Mother's day, Schmother's day, just go to the cinema and enjoy yourselves."

 

"You’re really so lucky to have your in-laws. They’re very nice people."

 

"Let me smell your shirt - OK, it’s good for at least another week."

 

"Could you leave the lights on please - it makes the house more cheerful."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Rabbi arrived at a Shul to give a speech.

He sat and waited silently.

The congregation sat patiently waiting for the Rabbi to begin.

The Rabbi continues to sit quietly.

Fed up waiting, the Shamus approaches the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, why are you waiting. Please start your speech.

The Rabbi points to his mouth and whispers to him

"I left my false teeth at home"

The Shamus takes the Rabbi's keys and runs to the Rabbi's house, returning

shortly with the false teeth.

The Rabbi starts speaking.

He talks and talks.

It is getting late, everyone wants him to finish.

They want to go home, but the Rabbi keeps on talking.

The Shamus approaches the Rabbi and asked politely,

"Rabbi, why do you talk so much...?"

The Rabbi answered:...."You brought my wife's teeth"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12/28/07 — This weeks Torah portion is called "Sh'mot," meaning "Names" (as in "These are the names of the children of Israel)...

It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford.

"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."  Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued.

"We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."  After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black Edsel that was parked in front of the building.

Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.

"Please step inside Mr. Ford."

"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"

"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button."  Intrigued, Ford pushed the button.  All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford.  "How much do you want for the patent?"

Norman spoke up.  "The price is one million dollars."  Then he paused, "And there is something else.  We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a 'Jew-name' next to my logo on my cars!"  They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled.  One and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.

However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:

HI - NORM - MAX

 

 

 

 

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.  President Bush went up to the man and said, " Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?”  The man didn't answer.  He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.  The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

  The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, " Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?”  The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

" Well," said the president, " every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak.  Watch!"
  Again, the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

  The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, " You look just like Moses.  Are you Moses?"

  The man leaned over and whispered back, " Shhhh!  Yes, I am Moses.  The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil.”  

 

More Chanukah Humor

 

 

Sam Goldberg’s mother once gave him two ties for Chanukah. The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter Sam? You didn't, like the other one?"

 

 

 

 

 

As the plane landed at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on:

"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off.  To all those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Xmas...and to those of you standing in the aisles and pushing towards the doors, we wish you a Happy Hanukkah, and welcome back home.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jewish Poker Club

Six retired Floridians  were playing poker in the clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on  a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.  A few minutes later Finklestien looks around and
asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg  picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news.  They tell him to  be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet?  I'm the most discreet person you'll ever  meet.

Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to  me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on  the door.

The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!"  yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him", says Goldberg

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joke of the Week

 

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many
people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat 
of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to
the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the
Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David
and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic
country, this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of
David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar
who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of
spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross and said:

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing.